35 and learning the basics
Almost every day in the last two months as I’ve been working on self-producing a new collection of songs, and especially as I spend hours and hours watching YouTube videos learning basic (like, really basic) music production techniques, I’ve had these thoughts bounce around my head:
You’re 35
Clean your house 😬
You have actual work to do
This is not a great use of your time
And almost every night, I sit on our couch and say to my husband, I feel so silly working on this — to which he has wisely (and painfully) learned that there’s not much he can respond with, except to listen and nod his head. Sometimes I cry about it, sometimes I argue (with myself, in front of him), sometimes I stare off into space until he pulls me back.
But every next morning, I wake up with new inspiration, and I keep wondering how to turn the ideas in my head into actual sounds outside my head.
Learning is vulnerable
Learning something new is vulnerable. To be ready to learn, you have to say, I don’t know.
I used to be really bad at that. I wanted to stay with what I do know, which is a terribly unhelpful tendency for an artist. Because when you don’t try anything new, you don’t… create?!
Wanting to move away from that tendency led me to spending the past couple of years starting a new relationship my limitations, learning to appreciate them: little time, low energy, SO MANY FEELINGS, SO MUCH DOUBT, missing my father... I’ve listened to wise authors write and speak about the idea that our limitations are the very soil from which the most glorious flowers tend to bloom.
Theoretically, I’ve made huge strides. 😌
But then I go and actually try to do something new, and it is still so darn uncomfortable.
This doesn’t sound very good.
I don’t think you’re good at this.
You should probably stick to what (little) you’re good at.
Music wants to move
The tricky thing about music is that it wants to be heard, wants to be shared, wants to fill rooms, wants to travel through headphones and find new homes in new souls.
When I first had the thought that I wanted to start producing my own songs, which is something I have never fully done before (beyond sitting in front of a USB microphone with my guitar and throwing on some reverb), I thought, okay, let me get good at this, and then I’ll share it. And then I’ll invite people in.
And I did a lot of learning in the quiet (jk, it’s never quiet) of my little home.
But then I realized, hm, I’ll never be ready to share if I’m waiting till I get good at this. Partly because I tend to dislike my work as soon as I’m done with it 🫢, but mostly because I’m seeing that a key part of learning is letting people (who care) speak into my work, respond to my work, and just be with my work.
It’s terrifying.
I’m 35, and I’m back to feeling like a teenager again, nervous to show anyone anything I’m working on, because what if they don’t like it?! What if they think it’s dumb?! 😱
Back to 5
So what I’m working on now, is going all the way back to being 5 again, like my daughter, who has not an ounce of hesitation in gleefully showing me absolutely anything she’s working on, even if it’s a house with crooked windows and teeth(?!), and a girl standing next to it that is absolutely not in proportion with anything else.
Or better yet, I can be 2 again, like my son, and really just not give any actual fs about what anyone thinks about anything I’m doing.
