Behind the Song: Do I Know You
I used to look forward to the day I’d be more certain about what I believe. I’d finally speak with more confidence, I thought.
But now it looks like I’m going in the opposite direction.
I used to go to church and read the Bible to cement an ironclad understanding of who God is, who I am, and how the heck to make sense of the world around me.
But I’m more uncertain than ever right now, and maybe I’m becoming more and more comfortable with this lack of certainty.
My move away from feeling the need to understand everything probably started as I was losing my father through a long and painful series of health complications. After the first two years of praying that he’d recover, or that at least God would tell me why it was happening (shockingly he did not) — I eventually just had to let go of the need to make sense of it, and accept that it was happening, and it was awful, and it was entirely out of my control.
This helplessness was magnified when I had a miscarriage last year and lost my unborn child.
The obvious response Christians tend to give one another in hard times is to just trust God, just pray about it, just know it’s for a reason. As though the constant goal is to remain unaffected by difficult circumstances and achieve a level of zen that would prove how strong your faith is. As though we needed to sanitize our feelings in front of the one entity that is most unafraid of whatever state we’re in.
What if faith looked more like trusting God and having unanswered questions at the same time? What if faith is feeling thankful while feeling grief? What if I can go to God in need while being angry at Him?
These days, faith looks a lot messier to me than it did when I was at Sunday School listening to Bible stories with happy endings. My faith in God is as strong as it’s ever been, but I also have more questions than I’ve ever had.
I’m getting more comfortable swimming in the mystery.
This is a little bit of where my song Do I Know You comes from.
Lyrics:
Do I know you
Do I have a notion of you
I created from a blend of distant voices
They say they know the truth
Remember how I met you
Sitting by the tree I felt you there
Gladly I followed every man who spoke your prayers
You fit so well into their worlds
Are you who I think you are or am I walking blind
Are you who I think you are or have I lost my mind
When I say your name
Do I speak in vain
I have so many questions
They say all I need is just to believe
But Lord I wonder
If all you say is Sit by me
I am not afraid of you
Are you who I think you are or am I walking blind
Are you who I think you are or have I lost my mind
When I say your name
Do I speak in vain
Is the game hide and seek
Have you been patiently
Right in front of me
Are you who I think you are or am I walking blind
Are you who I think you are or have I lost my mind
When I say your name
Do I speak in vain
When I say your name
Do I speak in vain
Do I Know You
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